The other night as I stood sobbing in Scotty’s arms, I had finally let myself admit that I am done at the group home that I poured so much of myself in to over these past 3 years.
I left for Hawaii on my knees, I came back thinking I would be on my feet again, but the other night I was flat on my face.
Too much has happened to recount here, but God is on the move and whether I like it or not, He’s dragging my stubborn butt along. So many things over these past few months have brought me to this moment I never would have guessed would come so soon.
I am not sure yet when I will take that final bow, I am leaving the exact timing of it to God, but it’s near.
I have always said that I will leave this job the moment I start to become jaded because these kids have seen enough jaded, and I love them enough to refuse to be part of that illness that is all too common in the ministry.
Jesus was never jaded, and if I cannot bring Jesus- I won’t go.
I have watched him reach out to these shattered little girls of His. I have felt my heart break a million times. I have cried so many tears. Been enraged at the injustices and felt heavy hearted. But He goes about His work. He knows them so well. He’s given me words when He wanted to comfort, and silenced me when He wanted me to listen. I've loved and hoped when it didn’t make sense to, and have stared into the bewildered face of a girl who experiences His grace for the first time. I have felt love for a kid who comes with a bunch of “warning labels.” He’s turned my other cheek, and pointed out the plank in my own eye.
If I could sum up what I’ve learned over these past 3 years it would be this: God doesn’t make any sense.
His timing is off. He acts before I’m ready or doesn’t act soon enough. He rarely ever gives me what I ask for. More often than not, He gives me just the opposite. I took on this job to help these shattered little girls pick up the pieces, but instead, God used them to shatter my defenses. And made it clear that only He can pickup those pieces. Only he can put us back together. Only He can heal the broken. Initially, I had thought I would come into the job on a white horse and save all these poor, troubled youths. He rode in on a donkey … my white horse bucked me off and is nowhere to be seen and I am leaving this job on my face.
There’s a line in the movie “This Christmas” that says something to the effect of this: “If you want to make the Lord laugh, tell Him the plans you had for your life.”
Impatience kicked in when I finally admitted it is time to move on. Impatient to just get out of here and get started on whatever is next. The dread of having to go back to work for another 24 hours hung over me all day on Sunday. As I drove into work last night, I started to pray. I prayed for patience and immediately started to sing that old cheesy hymn “trust and obey, for there’s no other way, to be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey.” Had someone else sung me that song earlier that day, I would have cuffed them. Several times. But it came to a prepared heart and provided a lot of comfort. As I got closer to the home I prayed, “God, I know I am burnt out and that you are encouraging me to move on, but I don’t want to finish my job on this sinking ship, I want to walk with you on water.”
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